I really don’t like that miscarriages are shrouded in silence and awkwardness. I don’t understand that. I want to help add something useful to the online conversation about it, along with my more emotional reflections about the pain of losing your child.
My hope is that this list will help anyone else find a little comfort as they go through this sometimes long and painful process. If you’re reading this… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this because it truly is the worst. There’s no sugarcoating that.
I took Cytotec to help my body pass everything and it sucked. But these are the things that got me through those couple days/weeks:
1. I don’t believe there are many topics that should be “taboo” so I’m just going to lay it out there, these Always foam pads are God’s gift to women, brought to you by science. They are leaps and bounds better than any other pads. They are super light – you’ll barely feel them and yet they are so absorbent. I will recommend these to any woman who will listen to me.
2. Emotional eating is a struggle of mine, so recipes like these black bean brownies are a lifesaver because they are essentially a health food masked as a brownie. Again, trust me, they’re great. I love them both really hot, and really cold after they’ve been in the fridge (they’re more fudgy that way).
3. To match my up and down mood, I would lie with heat on my belly, and ice on my back. The ice was for any inflammation due to lower back cramps, and the heat was for uterus cramping. Both were super helpful to ease my discomfort.
4. During the worst of everything, I was searching for which foods can help and I came across three things to eat/drink which I already had in the house: raspberry tea, dark chocolate, and bananas. They all have vitamins and minerals that help your body with the blood loss, dehydration, and hormone changes.
5. I can’t say it enough times but water, water, water, water, water. I have a 40oz Hydro Flask that was pretty much glued to my hand. When you’re losing that much blood, you have to remember it’s taking water with it so you can risk getting dehydrated very quickly. Watch out for any lightheadedness, or dizzyness, or headaches, as those are signs you aren’t drinking enough water (and may need to go to ER to get fluids replaced).
6. The first day I found out I had a blighted ovum I didn’t want to talk to anyone but Dan. But after that, talking on the phone, or watching TV was a much needed distraction from the cramping and emotional distress. Don’t isolate yourself.
7. That being said, as much as I needed distractions from the pain emotionally and physically, I also knew that I needed to be okay with feeling whatever my heart needed to feel. I didn’t feel (and still don’t feel) powerless to the grief because I know how grief works; I’ve studied it before. Familiarize yourself with the grief wheel and don’t be alarmed if you feel your heart and mind and emotions spin around the wheel again and again, slowly or quickly. You’ll need time to heal, and in the meantime, it’s good to be able to put a name to that thing you’re feeling — be it anger, or apathy, or sadness.
8. I know there are plenty of naysayers but I swear by chiropractic adjustments to help my body function well. It helps your body to be more efficient and to heal quicker when you are aligned correctly. Plus it helps a great deal with the lower back pain associated with any cramping.
9. As soon as I found out I was miscarrying, I scheduled an appointment with my therapist. She has helped me through many trials through the last couple years and I always feel better with her guidance and objective wisdom and professional help. If you don’t have someone you’re already seeing, don’t be afraid to reach out for the first time. More on that here.
10. We didn’t have a body to bury, so having a memorial Mass offered was a wonderful alternative to a funeral. This was very healing for us because it reinforced that this child is in heaven praying for us and that the Mass is where we can be united in spirit the most.
11. Lastly, I did end up going to the ER on day 4 of my Cytotec/Misoprostol dosage because the pain from the cramps and the dizziness from the dehydration was so bad. Don’t be afraid to admit when you need help, and admit that you are weak. Better to go the hospital than to pass out at home. They were really helpful and kind and I was so glad I went because they assured me I was okay, and they gave me something to help with pain management. It was a tough call to make but it put both Dan and I at ease.
Again, I’m so sorry if you’re reading this because you’re going through a miscarriage yourself. Know that you can come through this stronger. You can make the choice to move on, but never forget that life. It’s been comforting to me to know how many women go through this and are more resilient, beautiful, and courageous because of it. I’m still working on that.
Please know that I’m praying for you.
You Are Enough
Don’t ever forget that okay? You are beautiful and precious and deserve good things — and I can’t tell you that enough! Look I even dedicated a side-bar-box-thing to it. God has a plan and a purpose for your life and He died and rose again because He wants to spend forever with you! Okay, read on. Important reminder over.
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“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:14
Don’t be fooled about my productivity though. When I say my “most pressing things” I’m talking about nesting. Which is a very. real. thing.
I’m very grateful… I tell myself as lunch burns it’s way back up my esophagus and I pop another Tums. Hoping the daily limit on those is more of a gentle suggestion than a rule.
Since the place holds so much magic for us, I knew I wanted to take pregnancy announcement photos at Disneyland