Christina Mead

We’re not finding a heartbeat.

I didn’t believe the doctor. Couldn’t believe him. Denial flooded me and my mind fought against those words of his.

No. Not this. Anything but this again. Not me. Not now. Not this baby. I can’t lose this one too.

Yet I am. There’s no heartbeat.

What do you do when your worst fear is realized? How do you cope when your nightmare follows you into your waking? When the storm you’ve held at bay overpowers you and pours down on the hopes and dreams you dared entertain. What do you do?

I don’t know.

I only know that it sucks. That it feels like the wound you had stitched so well has torn open again, worse than before. It feels like you finally learned to tread water but are caught unawares by an undercurrent that sneaks up on you and pulls you under. It feels like the avalanche you’ve run from has caught up to you.

And you doubt everything about yourself. They tell you not to blame yourself, but how can you not? It’s my body, my baby, my responsibility to keep that little one safe. I’m the one taking prenatals and avoiding soft cheeses. I’m the one feeling sick and exhausted. My body is knitting another. How can it not be personal? How can you not question yourself? I am the judge, and I am the accused.

We’re not finding a heartbeat.

Yes. This. This again. Me. Now. This baby. This one is gone too.

My heartbeat is the only one that remains, pounding against my chest in anger. Alone and worn and weak.

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You Are Enough

Don’t ever forget that okay? You are beautiful and precious and deserve good things — and I can’t tell you that enough! Look I even dedicated a side-bar-box-thing to it. God has a plan and a purpose for your life and He died and rose again because He wants to spend forever with you! Okay, read on. Important reminder over.

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