Guys, I had the bubonic plague this week and by bubonic plague I mean a really terrible cold. I spent a lot of time in bed mainly doing nothing and lamenting that I’ve already watched everything (that I deem) good on TV. I mean really, I felt like a slug this week because of how unproductive I was.
Here’s some quick things I’ve been thinking about in between my long naps and coughing fits.
As much as I value taking good care of myself, it still feels like I’m practicing using a non-existent muscle when I have to say no to things, or cancel plans. I just don’t want to let other people down. I hate it. And I know my therapist would say it’s because I’m taking too much responsibility for those other people’s own feelings (which they alone are responsible for)… a bad codependent habit. I had to take off work this week, I had to cancel plans, cancel phone calls, meetings… etc. I guess on the bright side each time is good practice in detachment and choosing what’s best for me and my health. So there’s that. I’ll keep at it I suppose. (Mainly because the flip side of codependently worrying and trying to control others’ emotions is…. Whoa. crazy and not fun at ALL!)
Dan was gone this week early, early Thursday (I think I was ¾ asleep when I drove him to the train?) to late Saturday night and because of missing so many hours this week, I took a babysitting job Saturday night, meaning I didn’t get home until after midnight and the man I was so excited to see was fast asleep. This is real life everyone, no romantic reunion at the front door here. So today we’ve been doing lots of sitting in the same room working on separate things which is the introvert and extrovert collaboration dream. This is after of course a lovely 8am brunch and 9:30 Mass.
Speaking of Mass. Oh my goodness. One of the things I can’t stand is when priests make these sweeping generalizations that are unfair and downright depressing!! Today all we heard about was how because of the (big, bad, scary) world we live in, we’re all just falling deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into sin. He never said this phrase without 4 “deepers” and this was the content of 95% of his homily. The ending was “and Jesus wants to bring you into the light.”
How is that message supposed to help me if a) I am living a very sinful life and need Jesus, or b) am trying really hard to live a good life and going to confession and mass? We the people in the pew don’t need generalizations about where we’re at, we want to understand who Jesus is so we can have a relationship with him and we want to know what his message means and how to apply it in a practical way for our lives today. I’m not saying it has to be flowery but accusing us all of being deep deep deep (deep) in sin is not helping. If that was the first time I ever came to church I would have a hard time going back.
Today at brunch I ate an omelet with tomatoes and spinach and chicken sausage and some avocado on top, it was awesome — a pretty decent approximate OPTAVIA “lean and green” meal. But it came with all these amazing-looking potatoes and I was reminded of a “food fallacy” that I’m working hard to erase from my mind — that if it’s on my plate, I should eat it. If I don’t, that’s wasteful. Which is a lie. A falsity. I ordered an omelet and it came with potatoes and toast, I declined the toast after she tantilizingly listed off all the kinds I could choose from, but I forgot to tell her to leave off the potatoes too.
So there they were. But they don’t fit into my current eating habits. They do not serve my goal right now and I need to be laser focused if I want to achieve the best health of my life this year. So I made the choice to ignore them and not give them another thought.
Instead I focused on having great conversation with Dan, which is what fills up my heart way more than potatoes anyway. Our meal was a time to be together, not for me to eat the most sugary or fried thing on the menu or lick my plate clean. I also can not solve world hunger by finishing my plate, which is good to remember against that lie of “you should eat it because others are starving.” Also, I’m sick, so I can’t give my leftovers away either. So I just let it go. And I felt SO free doing that and not deprived at all. I was so happy.
Okay, I thought this would be quick but are my thoughts ever quick and simple? Ha. No. Never. Welcome to a melancholic’s mind. Have a great week everyone, I’m praying for you.
You Are Enough
Don’t ever forget that okay? You are beautiful and precious and deserve good things — and I can’t tell you that enough! Look I even dedicated a side-bar-box-thing to it. God has a plan and a purpose for your life and He died and rose again because He wants to spend forever with you! Okay, read on. Important reminder over.
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God & Spirituality
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.” Psalm 23:1-3
If we attach God’s blessing to our fertility and our families it would mean I am more favored by God than the woman next to me who can’t have children. And we know God’s love doesn’t work that way.
And the salt in the wound of my tender millennial christian heart was when the “things” meant more to people than people. When the rosary and the praying of it was more important than looking and seeing your neighbor’s need wasn’t a holy card but a smile and a hug.
So yeah, I’m not the perfect Christian. Not always the loving, well-behaved daughter of God. But He is big enough to handle my big, complicated emotions. He is understanding enough to listen to my angry ranting and raving.