Miscarriage can feel like only and all suffering. At least for a long while. Each time we miscarried, I felt this deep sense in my soul that my grief needed a solid 9 months to play out. I couldn’t move on fully in peace until that baby’s due date had come and gone. Some days the suffering was much more intense than others, but I waded through it knowing that some how, some day… this degree of suffering would pass.
Each time, after those 9 months, it’s not that I was suddenly healed and fine an’ dandy. When you lose someone the ache never really goes away, you just learn to live with the emptiness. That little spot in your heart that’s never the same.
Many times since our first loss in March of 2017 I’ve been struck by the line of the song “How He Loves” that says,
…all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
For so many years prior I’ve sung those lyrics without thinking about them. “Afflictions eclipsed by glory.”
Now I get it. I’ve seen it happen. Felt that glory working in my life as it begins to cover the affliction as the moon covers the sun.
See God never promised us that we would have no afflictions. At least not outside of the garden, or on this side of heaven. Affliction, suffering, pain, trials… they’re part of the repercussion of a fallen, sinful world. Life sucks sometimes and it’s just the reality of a broken world. Nature isn’t all sunflowers and rainbows, but hurricanes and tornados and tsunamis. People aren’t only kind and loving, but they’re prideful, and manipulative, and mean. Our bodies don’t work perfectly. We have sickness, and broken bones, and imperfect fertility.
That’s not God’s fault nor does He will any of that crap to happen. But He does what He can. In a post-Jesus world we get to experience the reality of grace. His presence making all things new, all the time. The reality of glory. Even on this side of heaven.
So despite affliction… God steps in and (if we let Him!!) makes sure there’s enough glory to cover up the worst of the suffering.
I look at the loss of our two little ones and I can see that:
- We have two souls in heaven praying for us and cheering us on.
- Dan and I have a stronger marriage because we clung to each other in the worst times.
- I am a stronger woman who learned lessons only that particular affliction could teach me.
- The connection, solidarity, and listening ear I’ve been able to offer to others going through miscarriage has been such a gift to me.
- God and I have been through a lot of ups and downs together in our relationship in these last few years, and it’s only helped my faith grow.
All that glory? See all that? God did that. He eclipsed my affliction with glory.
It doesn’t make it less of an affliction. It doesn’t negate the pain and grief. It doesn’t mean He was okay our losses and our suffering. It means He was so NOT okay with it, that He made sure to create enough glory out of it so that it wasn’t wasted. So that when I look at the affliction I don’t only see affliction… I see glory.
That’s what my God does. That’s how he loves.
You Are Enough
Don’t ever forget that okay? You are beautiful and precious and deserve good things — and I can’t tell you that enough! Look I even dedicated a side-bar-box-thing to it. God has a plan and a purpose for your life and He died and rose again because He wants to spend forever with you! Okay, read on. Important reminder over.
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God & Spirituality
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.” Psalm 23:1-3
“Today matters.” I feel God whisper to my soul. Today there are lessons to be learned. People to be loved. Gifts to be given and received. Growth to be had. Life to be lived.
If we attach God’s blessing to our fertility and our families it would mean I am more favored by God than the woman next to me who can’t have children. And we know God’s love doesn’t work that way.
And the salt in the wound of my tender millennial christian heart was when the “things” meant more to people than people. When the rosary and the praying of it was more important than looking and seeing your neighbor’s need wasn’t a holy card but a smile and a hug.